ORGANIC FOOD

I don't think it's fair that it's so much more expensive to eat healthy than to eat crap. For example, You can get a Whopper sandwich at Burger King loaded with saturated fat and other things that will kill you for .99 cents, but a loaf of Ezekiel bread (high protein bread made with sprouts, oats, and other healthy ingredients) will cost you about $5.00! Any kind of fresh produce or vegetables are so much more expensive than the canned ones which are laden with sodium and other preservatives. You would think that it would cost extra to make a product that you have to add all that crap to anyway. I will talk more about this later. I am being distracted by a major pain in the ass who shall remain unnamed. HE is in for a verbal thrashing as he is not yet mature enough for a punch in the face.

STARS AND THEIR SHAPES

I am so sick of hearing people rave about how these movie stars 'get their shape back after baby'. No one said shit when I got my body back and I worked my ass off to do it without the aid of trainers or dieticians and personal chefs. No one writes an article about how great MY ass looks in a pair of jeans! Take that stupid Brittany Spears for example. I cannot listen to people talk about her any longer! Not to mention the fact that I am probably 15 pounds lighter than her and don't have to wear make-up in order to not look like a zombie. I would love it if all of these stars' staff would tell them to fuck off and go on strike and leave them to control their appetites and work out on their own. Then I'd bet everything I have that they'd turn into tubs of lard and lose their jobs. These people all deserve a punch in the face!

ELEVATORS

I hate when people try to talk to you in an elevator, or make some idiotic comment. The other day I got in an elevator and this other woman goes "wwooo!" as it started to go down. I thought- what the fuck is wrong with you? You've never been on an elevator before? Then she started talking to me telling me that she would be getting off on the first floor to check out what was in the cafeteria although she had already brought her lunch? What on earth made her think that I would give a shit? Here is elevator protocol: Get on, hit the button you want, face front, and shut up. Is that so hard?

VP DEBATE

Watching the debate as we speak, Sarah Palin seems to be an intelligent woman who could handle the position she's applying for. Joe Biden seems to be a seasoned politician - a bullshitter. Is anything that comes out of his mouth the truth? I have to give Palin some credit though for raising 5 children and becoming a mayor and governor. Not to mention getting on the cover of Vogue! She should have left her glasses off for the picture though, other than that she looks downright sexy after having 5 kids (no, I'm not a lesbian) but even just being able to look that good after all that she does - she deserves the credit. Although she dosen't answer some of the questions directly she is up front and honest about each answer. She is new to politics and doesn't have any bullshit to offer up, just the truth. I also like that she doesn't view her 'newbie' status as a handicap. I still hate the fact that she's ridiculously pro-life, but I don't think that's a major issue in our government right now. As for her pregnant daughter, who knows what the story is there. Kids get into trouble all the time, sometimes despite how well they are raised. So, on Sarah Palin, I believe I have changed my tune. As for Joe Biden, he can have a punch in the face and a kick in the ass!

SARAH PALIN

A lot of you guys have been asking me to write about Sarah Palin. I don't know much about her, but I'll say this - she looks like one of those people that wears glasses just to try to make herself look smarter. Also, what's with some of these ridiculous statements of hers? She says she's an expert on foreign policy because she can see Russia from her house?? Was that supposed to be a joke? Am I an expert on foreign policy because I'm right next to Cuba and Puerto Rico? If John McCain drops dead from a stroke or heart attack (Jesus Christ can we get an age cut off when running for the presidency?) at 73, is this idiot woman supposed to be president? Not to mention the fact her SELFISH decision to have a Downs Syndrome baby. What kind of quality of life does that child have? HHMMMM what else? Oh! a pregnant 17 year old daughter! You can't teach your daughter to keep her legs closed but you want to run the country? It sounds terrible, but if my daughter got pregnant at 17 I would walk her ass to an abortion clinic. Let's be real. What stinks about this whole thing is - who do you choose, a senior citizen and a bimbo or a socialist who is completely out of touch with reality? We're screwed.

RESPONSE TO READERS

Christina - sorry to hear about the drama in the store with your son. That sucks! Your in-laws sound like a bunch of dumb asses. Hopefully this trait hasn't carried over to your husband :)

Gary- happy to hear you agree with me on Garafolo. She's a ridiculous disgusting pig. Here's a comforting fact though - I'm sure there are many women out there that are taking pride in being as womanly as possible without being a lesbian. ;)

Amanda- I know you're there.

Vanessa - you're going to be the most trouble causing senior citizen I know

Earl and Son - thanks for the advice on getting old! You of all people would know, and I'd like to say you're aging quite gracefully

HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE FAT

Once you start wearing elastic waist pants, you know you're a fatty. Once you start wearing elastic waist pants and think they're comfortable - you're a fatty whose never going back to being thin. Ever. Again. I have never seen a thin person wearing elastic waist pants ulness they're a person who has recently immigrated from another country and has nothing else. Take a look at yourself. Do YOU have any elastic waist pants? Just for the record, work out pants and sweats don't count. I'm talking about POLYESTER ELASTIC WAIST pants! I hate these pants and production must be stopped! The inventor of these needs a pair of them stuffed up his ass.

CHIROPRACTORS

Today I heard some jackass telling this other guy to go see his Uncle because he is a chiropractor and can cure his Crohn's Disease! Give me a break! Chiropractors can't CURE anything! They can't even fix what they're supposed to! I know a woman who has been going to a chriopractor for years and now she finally decides to have surgery to fix her neck? Why? Because the chiropractor didn't do shit! If chiropractors are so great why don't they cure cancer? I won't hold my breath for that one. Dumb shits.

WHEN TO TAKE A BREAK

Do you ever get so busy that when you DO eventually take a break you feel guilty about it? Meaning you ruin most of your down time wondering what you could be getting done instead of putting your feet up? Sometimes I have to force myself to stop. I think that if I didn't I would drive myself crazy. I wish that we lived in one of those societies where everything closes down in the afternoon, like in Greece. Do you ever wonder why those people live so long? Probably because they're so much less stressed out because of their slowed pace of living. I think we can learn a lot from people like this. I think slowing down is beneficial to living a more productive and prolonged life. Feel free to disagree with me, but you may risk a punch in the face.

ICE CREAM

Today I went to an ice cream shop that I always go to only to find that it was out of business. No sign in the window, nothing. I only found out because I asked the homeless guy sitting outside the door if he knew why they were closed. Then, I went just down the road to the next closest shop, completely different owner. It was...OUT OF BUSINESS!! Do you belive that? What are the odds of that happening? That is just my luck. This particular shop had a summons on the table (I saw it through the glass) for eviction. Nice. I was completely disgusted with the entire situation.

RANDOM EVENTS

I don't have anything to talk about today, but here are some things I have seen over this weekend: A 440 pound lady pigging out on a grilled cheese sandwich, another fat lady on a motorized cart trying to escape the police, a man with lung cancer smoking his face off, and an extremely tall lady who walks like a monkey.

High of the weekend: I found out that my best friend is coming to visit very soon.

Low of the weekend: my dog puked on my favorite quilt while I was sleeping under it, which totally pissed me off.

Please fee free to share anything wacky from your weekend or your highs and lows.

GETTING OLD

There's no getting around the fact that getting old sucks. I started thinking about this as I sat in a chair at work and my left shoulder started having spasms for no reason. Why? It really sucks to wake up in the morning and not feel rested. Instead, as you get older, you feel like someone beat the crap out of you in your sleep and you're just recovering from all the injuries. Walking to the toilet you feel like a robot who needs to be oiled. Then I wonder - have the best years of my life passed me by or are the best yet to come? Does that happen when you're so old and shitty in every way that you no longer care about anything? There are already choices I've made that I wonder if I'll regret in my later years...Maybe I'll be so demented that I won't know the difference. I'll turn into one of those old Italian ladies with unshaved legs and a hairy mole who steals bread off other residents' plates at the nursing home. Wow. I can't wait for that. Let me spend my life working my ass off toward that happy ending.

BIG MOUTHS

I can't stand it when people who don't know a thing about politics go flapping their gums about various issues as though they actually know what they're talking about. Do they not realize they sound like complete fools? At least I recognize this fact in myself and when a political conversation comes up I keep my mouth shut because I don't have anything of meaning to contribute. A prime example of this is a recent political pow wow with Salman Rushdie, another guest and Janeane Garafolo. Here's the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0LfzBETb4Q She makes a complete ass of herself. I would love to staple her lips shut.

OTHER PEOPLE

Do you ever find that you've become somewhat callous toward other people's feelings? I have. I could give a shit about what is happening to anyone else - be it good or bad. Why does this happen to people? I think that perhaps if your own life is overly full and busy that it becomes a way of coping. I try to overcome this sometimes because I promised myself that I would never become one of those miserable divorced women. You know the ones - constantly bitter, always complaining and blaming everything on the man they divorced 20 years ago... There is a woman I work with who is like that and she finds her joy in talking down about everyone else. I would love to strangle her just to shut her up.